Category Archives: bio

Now it’s just getting silly

Work bio, take three.

Patrick Graney was born a poor dirt farmer in the fields of Los Angeles. At age 4, he built his first computer, utilizing spare parts, earthworms, and a stolen credit card. By 7, he was a premier hacker, utilizing the original definition as “one who cuts or severs with repeated irregular or unskillful blows,” because how else does on farm dirt? At age 12 he was accepted into the prestigious California State Juvenile Correctional Facility, where in 4 years he excelled in avoiding gang rape.

Upon his release, there’s a 20 year gap where he’s off the grid. Jesus also had this gap, so we can only assume the circumstances were similar.

Patrick reappeared over 13 years ago when he took employment as a janitor/international man of mystery. He has shown initiative, drive, and a fine eye for creating forts out of just about any materials laying around.

In his spare time, he writes bios.

You’d Think I’d Learn

Work did not like my last bio and asked me to resubmit.

This was my second take.

Patrick Graney began his career over 13 years ago. At the time he was a bright, fresh-faced lad who wanted to change the world with gumption, a smile, and 3.6 cubic tons of Semtex. Since that third one was illegal, he opted to instead begin work on this new invention called “the internet” and not, as originally planned, blow the Moon just enough out of orbit so it would spin into the sun, thus averting the disaster when the Moon hatches and the dragons come.

Once firmly established in the company, Patricck now uses hugs and understanding to create innovative, compelling products. Some people call them “choke holds and psychological torture,” but they are HUGS AND UNDERSTANDING.

In his spare time, he collects various slimes, molds, and fungi just like his mentor and confidant, Egon Spengler.

Let him hug and understand you.

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, I’m unsure if work is crazy or if it’s me.

I Have No Idea How I Do Not Get Fired

At work, my particular department has grown quite a bit in the past year. The other day, the boss sent an email requesting each team member write a bio for ourselves to share with clients, new employees, etc.

This was mine.

Patrick Graney was raised in the wild by a rouge family of platypi. Shunned by his peers for lack of a venomous spur, he slowly integrated to Man’s World, despite it being occupied by “a feeble bunch of tailless freaks.”  Patrick has worked in various media outlets before settling into the internet, because what else is he going to do?

Due to his unusual upbringing, he is the only person who finds the “duck lips” phenomenon attractive.

If they ask for a photo I’m sending one of Beaker.