Try not to paraphrase Darth Vader while in meetings. Examples include:
- “You do not know the power of the spreadsheet!”
- “I find your lack of doughnuts…disturbing.”
- “Join me, and together we will rule the galaxy as web guy and sales weasel!”
- “You are a part of the sales team and a traitor! Take her away!”
- [On seeing an old phone] “A tremor in the Force. The last time I felt it was in the presence of dial-up.”
- [At the end of the meeting] “The circle is now complete. When I left you I was but the learner, now I am the master.”
The following is not an appropriate email response to being late for work:
I was grabbed by some terrorist group. See, they’ve got this megalomaniacal leader with a really bad accent who wanted to pluck out my eyes. Because then he could serve them to Bosnian Fur Traders in exchange for the last piece of an obscure Peruvian map. It’s supposed to lead them to some tomb where some dude is buried. Oh, and have a mystical, all-powerful weapon. But if you watch enough movies, you know they’ll fail at the last minute due to some stoic anti-hero and their wise-cracking sidekick, so I’m not that worried.
But thanks for asking.
I have no idea how I remain employed.
Two cups of coffee, one Red Bull, a 16oz. Coca-Cola, a mid-sized pack of beef jerky and a Baby Ruth candy bar and should not be consumed within a two-hour time period. Gastrointestinal calamities aside, the caffeine to chronology ratio may result in you turning up a song very, very loud and dancing on your desk while shouting, “Yeah, can you feel that shit!”
When creating a link to a voter registration page on the company website, do not use “Vote, Bitches” as the headline. When a supervisor sends you an email asking to change said line, the following is not the appropriate response:
No. Vote, Bitches is much funnier. And XXX* said I could do it. And I like bitches. Bitches are great to have around the house. Jay-Z likes bitches. I mean, he got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one. And without bitches we wouldn’t have puppies. You don’t want puppies to go away, would you? Not liking puppies is un-American. Why are you un-American, XXXXX*? What are you, some kinda pinko-commie?In conclusion, bitches = freedom.
* Names blocked due National Security. This message is Terror Color Code Plaid.