The following is not an appropriate email response to being late for work:
I was grabbed by some terrorist group. See, they’ve got this megalomaniacal leader with a really bad accent who wanted to pluck out my eyes. Because then he could serve them to Bosnian Fur Traders in exchange for the last piece of an obscure Peruvian map. It’s supposed to lead them to some tomb where some dude is buried. Oh, and have a mystical, all-powerful weapon. But if you watch enough movies, you know they’ll fail at the last minute due to some stoic anti-hero and their wise-cracking sidekick, so I’m not that worried.
But thanks for asking.
I have no idea how I remain employed.