Bet The Arm

So I was Spider Jerusalem for a couple hours this weekend.

Photo by HeathenLife.

First time I’ve worn a costume in years. Was fun, had a great time even if nobody had any clue who I was.

For the Septembeard challenge The Weird Beard Bastardos raised $1096 for prostate cancer research. Of that, just shy of $500 came in that last 3 days.

You guys rule. We’ll have to kick it up a notch for next year.

As promised, my head is now shaved.  So betthearm.com and Asher Industries is proud to present: THE SHAVENING.

I tried to get the photos on here, but WordPress was being cunty, so now we have a brand new Flickr account. Bask in the baldness!

Posted this to Twitter:

Creepiest thing to do on Hallowe'en? Drive alone across a desert to a hospital so the dead baby in the back can be autopsied. #semitruestory

October 24, 2011 10:08 am via webReplyRetweetFavorite

@betthearm

Timothy Asher

It is a semi-true story. Many moons ago while still in Uncle Sam’s prickly embrace, I was stationed at a small base in the high desert of California (the base has long since closed). On Halloween night a co-worker was on call, which basically meant if a crappy job popped up, he would have to do it. Nine out of ten times this meant things like cleaning out storm drains so basements wouldn’t flood or various other scut work.

This time the call was a bit different.

A child on the base hospital passed. Nobody was sure why. An autopsy was required, but the only facility capable of doing so was a couple hundred miles away across the desert. So my friend was tasked with driving the little corpse, alone on Halloween night, to the larger medical facility.

Yes, many WHAT THE FUCK’s were uttered that night.

However, turns out they had a change of heart and airlifted the little bugger to the other facility, so he never had to do The Drive of Doom. Which is good, because there was no way that kid wasn’t reanimating and eating my friend.

Gave us a creepy story, though. Feel free to expound in your own minds.

Since Tumblr is down, let’s put the final post here. Seems fitting, as once the month is over all updates will go here.

Badger Beard, Day 27

Septembeard is in the home stretch and The Weird Beard Bastardos have raised (at this writing) around $600. This is a nice number and a HUGE THANK YOU to everyone who donated, forwarded via email, mentioned it on Facebook/Twitter/where ever, or even gave us kind words of support. We appreciate it.

However, it comes to my attention that us growing beards has no real benefit for you. I really have nothing to offer, except on thing: schadenfreude.This means I’m willing to go through MONTHS of public humiliation to raise more money by shaving a various parts of my body for certain amounts donated.

Let’s look at some price points. If The Weird Beard Bastardos raise:

• Over $1000: I shave my head. Not buzz cut, cue ball – completely smooth.
• Over $1500: I’ll shave my head and legs.
• Over $2000: Almost all body hair goes away. I say almost because eyebrows are off the table.
• Over $4000: Fine, I’ll shave the eyebrows, too. I’m that much of a whore.
• Over $5000: I’ll get a tattoo of a beard somewhere on my body (my discretion).

All right, so not only am I willing to suffer the indignity of looking like a methed-out redneck for 30 days, but I’m willing to go through months of ridicule as The Hairless Ape of The Lower 48.

You can donate at http://septembeard.org/team/55/. Make me look like an idiot. I dare you.

If  you’d like to see what the beards look like, we’ve been posting pictures at http://theweirdbeardbastardos.tumblr.com/

For proof, photos (and possibly video) of a hairless Asher will be posted here.

I understand times are tough and you might not have a couple bucks. It’s cool. Believe me, I get it. However, if you could at least spread the word, it would be helpful and still receive our heartfelt thanks.

Thanks. Hope all is well and you’re better groomed than I.

For September I’m blogging over at The Weird Beard Bastardos to help raise money for prostate cancer research. Unlike this blog, I’m actually posting (almost) daily over there, complete with pictures.

Pictures? Por qua?

The premise is you do not shave for #Septembeard and people sponsor your manly face hair. I, of course, cannot grow a beard. I acquire face-mange. But the razor shall be avoided until the end of the month and hopefully we’ll raise a few bucks for a good cause.

So yeah. If you wish to donate/sponsor our team, you can head over to https://septembeard.org/donate/55/. No donation is too small, and if you get a second, spread the love over email or a social network of your choosing. Raising awareness doesn’t suck, either.

Thanks. Beard on, you glorious unicorns.

Many moons ago, when people still used Facebook*, Norcross was fully getting into the swing of being self-employed. It finally hit a point where he needed a real bio and didn’t want to write one. Instead, he turned to Twitter and proclaimed it should be crowd sourced.

Yeah, I know.

Being a Friday night, some people posted a couple things and went about their life. Since I do not have one of those, I may have had a beer or two before I started contributing. And contributing. And…well, I was amusing myself.

All the tweets were collected, but Norcross never posted them. Not as a bio, it never showed on his blog and wasn’t mentioned again.

Until now. Because I need content.

I believe these are all of them, properly attributed. So without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Norcross Crowd Sourced Bio of November 2010.

Andrew Norcross

• Your hot dog is no match for my bratwurst. Good show, Phineas and Ferb (cc @JohnnyBTruant )

Eric Marden

• just make that your new bio: “I fucking hate writing a bio. I wanna just crowdsource the fucker”

Jim Jam Jones

• smart ass that knows his shit

Denice in Texas

• “I’m a fan of hats and tats. Cats, not so much.”

thecultureofme

• a magnificent help. also, shit.

Daniel Hoang

• Andrew Norcross is an information technology specialist with experience in content management systems and design. Mr. Norcross …

Ryan Duff

• Overall cool fucking dude.

Justin McCullough

• I am the emergency exit you seek when WP blows up or just plain blows.

Ryan Paugh

• It wouldn’t surprise me if you could go an entire week without sleep.

Ryan Knapp

• You know who is a great man for sharing loads of knowledge? @norcross. He gives and gives every day.

Jason

• your new bio: Andrew J Norcross.. the “J” is for FUCK YOU

Theresa

• Don’t let the hair fool you, he’s not a fucking hippy.

Joey

• It puts the lotion in the basket…
• When @norcross says jump you don’t say how high. In fact, you don’t say anything at all. Talking back makes him very angry.
• mother hit him once…..once.

bri

• saved the day. or the shitty blog template. whatever.

Jayvie Canono

• Florida casual!

Renee

• if he can’t take the deep-fryer and coffeepot with him in the afterlife, there will BE no afterlife. For anyone.
• don’t mess with a guy who’s toddler knows the entire Slayer discography.
• owns 42 coffee cups and uses all of them. Daily.

Timothy Asher

• Poops in the woods.
• You can save 15% off your aggravation by switching to @norcross.
• Worked for the man. Wasn’t a fan. Now is The Man.
• He doesn’t get hangovers. Although he’ll watch and laugh as you develop one.
• He’ll fuck on your table but he won’t build one for you.
• Tables. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. #princessbrideforthewin
• RSS’s? I don’t believe they exist. #princessbrideforthewin
• How about @norcross: That’s a really big Twinkee.
• he ain’t got time for your jibba-jabba.
• He wants to see your font, not your face.
• Sure, he’ll build a site to your exact specifications. He’ll also mock you so brutally you’ll cry in the bathroom & call your mom.
• His geek power increases with the length of his hair. He’s like Sampson, except, you know, a computer guy.
• Firm believer that anything can be, and is better, fried. Deep-fry a Red Bull infused cigarette & he might die of happiness.
• His house sank. What’re you gonna do?
• Once killed and ate a unicorn. Because it’s MEAT, that’s why.
• Once punched a dwarf.
• Bathes. Occasionally.
• He does own a pair of long pants and a shirt with sleeves. He CHOOSES not to wear them.
• Once he tamed a dragon.
• When your site is designed, you want the guy playing Slayer & Bad Religion at ear-bleeding levels. Because then you know it ROCKS.
• Made good decisions for friends. Makes questoinable decisions by occasionally listening to them.
• Made a location for “Dead Hooker Storage” on FourSquare. And used it.
• @norcross: Piss your boss off.
• Hasn’t read a book in years. Has built an empire.
• SPAM Filter for bullshit.
• His body may need repair, his sites do not.
• Crowd surf as a kid, crowd source as an adult.
• Your choice is the guy who gives you buzz words or the guy who says fuck. A lot. Who do you trust more?
• Declares jihad on your shit design.
• He’ll donkey punch your website.
• Armed with a brutally honest opinion and chops to back it up, he lays waste to inferior code.
• Not firmly convinced God isn’t a duck.
• He’s made enough bad decisions to see them before they impact you.
• You’ll work with him in spite of yourself.
• Not afraid to tell you you’re wrong.
• The internet isn’t a series of tubes, it’s more like a truck. And @nrcross drives a big-ass truck.
• Tattoos. Coffee. Code. These things matter.
• When it comes to your product, he won’t fuck off to get a taco.
• His beard is patchy, his code is not.
• 30% more Geek Power than your average brand.

And finally, one from Ravis Harnell

• Dealing with @betthearm since 2004.

* I know people use it now, but this is a blog. It’s timeless.

My supervisor sent me an email asking the status of a project. This was my response.

It’s on fire. There was a kraken attack and, in the course of defending, the munitions store kinda sorta exploded. I sent a man down to contain the blaze, but he thought I said “maintain the haze” and added some MORE wood.

Get your G.E.D., kids.

Anyway, we might be able to salvage something but right now I’ve got a 50 foot tentacle wrapped around my leg (it kinda hurts). I’m using a cutlass to try and fend off the beast, but if you could send a musket or something, that would be grand.

Also? Look out behind you.

I have no idea how I remain employed.

Once you put something on the internet, it never goes away. Sometimes information goes dormant and you don’t think about it, but it’s there. Sometimes it flares up and is just WRONG.

The internet is information herpes.

We’ll start this slow. Pay attention to detail, see where it’s happening. Okay, this if s going well. Starting to get into the zone. Yeah. Yeah, that’s good. Type a little faster. Try a new browser…yeah. That’s it. Better. Better.

Okay, I’m close. Almost done. Type a little faster. Almost there. Just. Yeah, that’s it! That’s what I need. Type faster, don’t lose the rhythm. Just.

Yes.

YES!

It’s done. Oh, gods, that’s brilliant.

Some of the end code is sloppy. Screw it, let the client sleep on it.