Just a note from the ether

While at the deli, one of the workers casually commented on how polite I was (despite the tone of my online presence, in meat-space I’m usually courteous, especially to those who work in the service industry*). Before I could say anything, the guy behind me piped in with “That’s just good Southern upbringing.”

Now, I wasn’t raised in the South and have no discernible accent that would imply regionalism. It’s not a big deal, but for some ungodly reason I turned, smiled nciely and said, “I’m not from the South, but I guess you can get good upbringing anywhere.”

As the words were coming out of my mouth, I knew it was a mistake. The man stiffened, gave me a weird look and asked if I was “one of them damn Yankees coming down here to steal the jobs**.”

Good Southern upbringing, indeed.

 

* It seems that service industry people get treated like crap 90% of the time regardless of how polite or professional they are. This isn’t just servers and bartenders, pretty much all service industry folks. So next time you’re at the supermarket, smile when you say “hello” to the cashier and when done, say “thank you” to the cashier and the bagger. Takes two seconds.

** One, Florida’s unemployment rate is just under 10%. Two, I’ve lived here over 13 years. Three, really?

Some Thoughts on Mechanizing the Homeless

I wonder if the “people as wireless hotspot” debate would be as heated if they had used interns instead of homeless.

If you do not know, while at South by Southwest (SXSW) in Austin, Texas, marketing agency Bartle Bogle Hegarty found some down and out folks, gave them next to nothing ($20 a day plus tips), and sent them out as walking billboards where they gave away wireless access for donations. From the New York Times:

BBH Labs, the innovation unit of the international marketing agency BBH, outfitted 13 volunteers from a homeless shelter with the devices, business cards and T-shirts bearing their names: “I’m Clarence, a 4G Hotspot.”

A lot of people are up in arms about this, and they have a point. But if they had done it to a person in college, who was earning credit while working for the company, would there be an outrage?

I think not. I think people would find it clever and amusing.

Here is where they went wrong: they only paid them $20. Interns are used to be doing “inhumane” (no, this was not inhumane), “degrading” (ok, fair) and “exploitive” (bulls-eye) tasks. But instead of going the free route, they gave pittance to people who could really use the money.

Instead, why didn’t they pay them $150? Or $200? This, to me, seems like a fair wage to walk around and provide a service. Helps cover beverages and dealing with all the various personalities all vying for a signal. $200 for a days work isn’t that bad and could actually help out.

No, it’s not a solution to the homeless problem. At all. But it seems to me BBH Labs had a pretty decent idea with poor execution. No one would have blinked if interns were used. And if you gave the “homeless hotspots” a decent amount of money, most people complaining would ask how they could get that deal.

This is the part where I make jokes about companies turning those on the street into cyborgs, who join with the AI Overlords in dominion of Earth and the ramifications thereof, but I’m at work so you can fill that part in yourselves.

The Rules of Web Club

1st RULE: You do not blog about WEB CLUB.

2nd RULE: You DO NOT bog about WEB CLUB, even if it is through a sock puppet account with masked IP address.

3rd RULE: If you get a DNS or proxy error, server crash the coding is done.

4th RULE: Only one developer to a site.

5th RULE: One site at a time.

6th RULE: No shirts, no shoes.

7th RULE: Coding will go on as long as it has to.

8th RULE: If this is your first night at WEB CLUB, you HAVE to code.

You need advice? I got your advice RIGHT HERE.

Well, if I was a medical professional, the first thing I’d ask is “where on your body the rash is located?” After all, depending on the physical locale and pathology of the rash would help determine the cause, type and cure.

I, however, am not a medical professional and assume all rashes are the result of severe stress coupled with infestation by Tyrannosaurus Dust Mites*. The mites are common throughout not only North America, but six of the seven continents. They only place they cannot survive is South America**.

Exposure to the Tyrannosaurus Dust Mites can come through a variety of means, the most common for males being masturbation. During climax, the contraction of muscles from the sexual organs help move the mites into the body. Once inside, it’s like Grand Central station – they can go anywhere.

The most common form of exposure for the females is going to the bathroom in groups. How does that work? SCIENCE!

The rash develops as  stress levels increase. This provides erratic electrical impulses which affect the Tyrannosaurus Dust Mites in a way similar to how THC affects the human mind.

Basically, you become munchies.

The most effective way to rid yourself of the mites is the Asteroid Method. Simply take an orange and place it in the freezer over night. Once frozen, throw the solid citrus projectile at the effected area. The combination of cataclysmic impact and Vitamin C renders most Tyrannosaurus Dust Mites inert. The surviving mites then retire to Boca.

Watching Armageddon during the procedure isn’t mandatory, but it can’t hurt.

Hope that helps. If symptoms persist, consult that guy in Ybor who licks feet. I’d like to hear his take on the whole thing.

 

* Small, fearsome creatures roughly twice the size of your average dust particle. Once they bore into the skin, the Tyrannosaurus Dust Mite asexually reproduces and forms an inbred colony akin to a trailer park of deposed English Royalty in the Ozarks. This colony will continue to spread, eating your flesh from the inside out. However, in a truly ironic twist of evolution, the saliva of the Tyrannosaurus Dust Mite actually regenerates human flesh, ensuring a healthy food supply until the mites fuck themselves into oblivion. The rash is actually regrowing of skin.

** South America has been off-limits to the human population since 1837, when a zombie outbreak was coupled with the production of heroin. So yeah, flesh-eating creatures exist there, but they lack motivation and  move slooooow, maaaaaan.

 

This one may need explanation

Posted this to Twitter:

It is a semi-true story. Many moons ago while still in Uncle Sam’s prickly embrace, I was stationed at a small base in the high desert of California (the base has long since closed). On Halloween night a co-worker was on call, which basically meant if a crappy job popped up, he would have to do it. Nine out of ten times this meant things like cleaning out storm drains so basements wouldn’t flood or various other scut work.

This time the call was a bit different.

A child on the base hospital passed. Nobody was sure why. An autopsy was required, but the only facility capable of doing so was a couple hundred miles away across the desert. So my friend was tasked with driving the little corpse, alone on Halloween night, to the larger medical facility.

Yes, many WHAT THE FUCK’s were uttered that night.

However, turns out they had a change of heart and airlifted the little bugger to the other facility, so he never had to do The Drive of Doom. Which is good, because there was no way that kid wasn’t reanimating and eating my friend.

Gave us a creepy story, though. Feel free to expound in your own minds.

The Norcross Crowd Sourced Bio

Many moons ago, when people still used Facebook*, Norcross was fully getting into the swing of being self-employed. It finally hit a point where he needed a real bio and didn’t want to write one. Instead, he turned to Twitter and proclaimed it should be crowd sourced.

Yeah, I know.

Being a Friday night, some people posted a couple things and went about their life. Since I do not have one of those, I may have had a beer or two before I started contributing. And contributing. And…well, I was amusing myself.

All the tweets were collected, but Norcross never posted them. Not as a bio, it never showed on his blog and wasn’t mentioned again.

Until now. Because I need content.

I believe these are all of them, properly attributed. So without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Norcross Crowd Sourced Bio of November 2010.

Andrew Norcross

  • Your hot dog is no match for my bratwurst. Good show, Phineas and Ferb (cc @JohnnyBTruant )

Eric Marden

  • just make that your new bio: “I fucking hate writing a bio. I wanna just crowdsource the fucker”

Jim Jam Jones

  • smart ass that knows his shit

Denice in Texas

  • “I’m a fan of hats and tats. Cats, not so much.”

thecultureofme

  • a magnificent help. also, shit.

Daniel Hoang

  • Andrew Norcross is an information technology specialist with experience in content management systems and design. Mr. Norcross …

Ryan Duff

  • Overall cool fucking dude.

Justin McCullough

  • I am the emergency exit you seek when WP blows up or just plain blows.

Ryan Paugh

  • It wouldn’t surprise me if you could go an entire week without sleep.

Ryan Knapp

  • You know who is a great man for sharing loads of knowledge? @norcross. He gives and gives every day.

Jason

  • your new bio: Andrew J Norcross.. the “J” is for FUCK YOU

Joey

  • It puts the lotion in the basket…
  • When @norcross says jump you don’t say how high. In fact, you don’t say anything at all. Talking back makes him very angry.
  • mother hit him once…..once.

bri

  • saved the day. or the shitty blog template. whatever.

Jayvie Canono

  • Florida casual!

Renee

  • if he can’t take the deep-fryer and coffeepot with him in the afterlife, there will BE no afterlife. For anyone.
  • don’t mess with a guy who’s toddler knows the entire Slayer discography.
  • owns 42 coffee cups and uses all of them. Daily.

Me

  • Poops in the woods.
  • You can save 15% off your aggravation by switching to @norcross.
  • Worked for the man. Wasn’t a fan. Now is The Man.
  • He doesn’t get hangovers. Although he’ll watch and laugh as you develop one.
  • He’ll fuck on your table but he won’t build one for you.
  • Tables. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. #princessbrideforthewin
  • RSS’s? I don’t believe they exist. #princessbrideforthewin
  • How about @norcross: That’s a really big Twinkee.
  • he ain’t got time for your jibba-jabba.
  • He wants to see your font, not your face.
  • Sure, he’ll build a site to your exact specifications. He’ll also mock you so brutally you’ll cry in the bathroom & call your mom.
  • His geek power increases with the length of his hair. He’s like Sampson, except, you know, a computer guy.
  • Firm believer that anything can be, and is better, fried. Deep-fry a Red Bull infused cigarette & he might die of happiness.
  • His house sank. What’re you gonna do?
  • Once killed and ate a unicorn. Because it’s MEAT, that’s why.
  • Once punched a dwarf.
  • Bathes. Occasionally.
  • He does own a pair of long pants and a shirt with sleeves. He CHOOSES not to wear them.
  • Once he tamed a dragon.
  • When your site is designed, you want the guy playing Slayer & Bad Religion at ear-bleeding levels. Because then you know it ROCKS.
  • Made good decisions for friends. Makes questoinable decisions by occasionally listening to them.
  • Made a location for “Dead Hooker Storage” on FourSquare. And used it.
  • @norcross: Piss your boss off.
  • Hasn’t read a book in years. Has built an empire.
  • SPAM Filter for bullshit.
  • His body may need repair, his sites do not.
  • Crowd surf as a kid, crowd source as an adult.
  • Your choice is the guy who gives you buzz words or the guy who says fuck. A lot. Who do you trust more?
  • Declares jihad on your shit design.
  • He’ll donkey punch your website.
  • Armed with a brutally honest opinion and chops to back it up, he lays waste to inferior code.
  • Not firmly convinced God isn’t a duck.
  • He’s made enough bad decisions to see them before they impact you.
  • You’ll work with him in spite of yourself.
  • Not afraid to tell you you’re wrong.
  • The internet isn’t a series of tubes, it’s more like a truck. And @nrcross drives a big-ass truck.
  • Tattoos. Coffee. Code. These things matter.
  • When it comes to your product, he won’t fuck off to get a taco.
  • His beard is patchy, his code is not.
  • 30% more Geek Power than your average brand.

And finally, one from Ravis Harnell

  • Dealing with @betthearm since 2004.

 

* I know people use it now, but this is a blog. It’s timeless.

Professionalism. I Haz It.

My supervisor sent me an email asking the status of a project. This was my response.

It’s on fire. There was a kraken attack and, in the course of defending, the munitions store kinda sorta exploded. I sent a man down to contain the blaze, but he thought I said “maintain the haze” and added some MORE wood.

Get your G.E.D., kids.

Anyway, we might be able to salvage something but right now I’ve got a 50 foot tentacle wrapped around my leg (it kinda hurts). I’m using a cutlass to try and fend off the beast, but if you could send a musket or something, that would be grand.

Also? Look out behind you.

I have no idea how I remain employed.

It Is called a virus

Once you put something on the internet, it never goes away. Sometimes information goes dormant and you don’t think about it, but it’s there. Sometimes it flares up and is just WRONG.

The internet is information herpes.

The codegasm

We’ll start this slow. Pay attention to detail, see where it’s happening. Okay, this if s going well. Starting to get into the zone. Yeah. Yeah, that’s good. Type a little faster. Try a new browser…yeah. That’s it. Better. Better.

Okay, I’m close. Almost done. Type a little faster. Almost there. Just. Yeah, that’s it! That’s what I need. Type faster, don’t lose the rhythm. Just.

Yes.

YES!

It’s done. Oh, gods, that’s brilliant.

Some of the end code is sloppy. Screw it, let the client sleep on it.